A powerful, visceral remembrance from Ali in Seattle….
” – we went through collection and insertion and huge amount of drug therapy so I would throw out many eggs at one time resulting in cysts and a variety of health problems.
However, the challenge during that period was the huge emotional swings due to the drugs and how my emotions effected my marriage and relationship with my husband. The disappointment was so intense each time I found out I wasn’t pregnant that my depression was almost to the point of suicide.
I feel that a great deal of that depression was due not just to the disappointment but what the drugs and the clinical coldness one experience during the treatments.
God know what my survival tools were … I’m a very strong person, but due to a number of things that happened in my life at that time I did finally have a nervous breakdown.
I was lucky in that my connection to metaphysics and finding a connection with a certain teacher pulled me out of the darkness … so faith and the real belief that when you are in need and even if you can only open a small bit the healing light and help will come to you.
My family is mostly LDS and so after years of pestering me about getting married and having children … I married at 36 … I felt no support. It was actually my friends that were there to a certain point … but they all had had children as well.
I never really repaired with most of the family … my family was the people who came into my circle that to this day there are only about six left on this plane of existence … but I cherish them with all that I am. My husband…was as supportive as he could be. However, this was not something that was as important to him and it did impact our relationship.
When I finally had a hysterectomy it really caused an even wider schism … I felt my heart had been yanked out and he never did understand this. In some ways it was a blessing when he passed several years later from cancer. That sounds cruel – but that is when through a great deal of pain on so many levels I found who I am and moved forward.
I was very blessed in having just amazing young children and young adults walk into my life. As I was helped, I hope that I have been able to help these individuals and in that they became my children.
Ali, Seattle WA